Si End of Evangelion
by Epyon Zero
Summary: This fic is my own little way of protesting against the tide of fics that seem to be swamping this section that are botth horrid and horribly writtten. It is a spoof, NOT a serious fic.


Disclaimer: Ain't mine, so don't say anything. 

  
  
  
  


SI End of Evangelion

  
  


By: Epyon Zero 

  
  
  
  


In a room whose only ornamentation was strips of holographic imaging glass, twelve met to decide the fate of one. These twelve were SEELE, the shadow council that bankrolled NERV and decide humanity's fate long ago. 

  
  


After an interminable silence SEELE 01 speaks. "All is proceeding according to the scenario of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Soon shall the time come for Instrumentality and the final genesis of man." 

  
  


All of the other members of the council murmur their approval, except for SEELE 02, who is strangely silent. After addressing all other business the meeting is silently adjourned, and all the monoliths wink out of existence, leaving only SEELE 01 and SEELE 02. 

  
  


"You say that all is moving as according to the scenario, but have you forgotten about the impediment?" 

  
  


SEELE 01, ponders then laughs. "No, I haven't forgotten about him, he shall be dealt with very shortly, and in such a way as to warn all others from trying his foolishness." 

  
  


Then both holographic monoliths dropped away to reveal Lord Deathscythe and Epyon. 

  
  


"Holography is fun ain't it?" LD said with a grin. 

  
  


"Hell yes, so how are we gonna get rid of our little problem?" 

  
  


LD grinned again, this time looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. "That's easy, you get to unleash the Nine on him." 

  
  


With that both holograms dissolved, leaving the room in inky blackness again. 

  
  
  
  


Meanwhile Tokyo-3 DJ Croft stood ready. Since he had mental powers he knew all about SEELE's little plan to kill him, but he wasn't afraid. First, there was no way he was gonna be afraid of a bunch of old men who hid behind holograms all the time. Second, he'd read the Dead Sea Scrolls,.since his mother had found a copy, and he knew that SEELE's plan for turning mankind into LCL was a crock. Third and finally, he was supremely confident since he knew that no force on Earth could penetrate the DJ Field he could project. Running towards NERV he knew that he would win, after all, he was DJ Croft.

  
  


The Command Deck was fairly quiet. Makoto and Shigeru were playing a game of Risk over their terminals, Maya was reading a magazine while Misato and Ritsuko were having a quiet conversation in the back. Just that second however, Commander Ikari's desk rose to its customary position on the pinnacle of the Deck. Everyone scurried to look busy. 

  
  


Gendo grinned, from up here he had the best view in the house, which also have him a very nice view down Major Katsuragi's dress. "In a few minutes Pilot Croft will come here and want to launch his Evangelion, he shall be allowed to do so. A few minutes after that there will be nine contacts appear in radar, ignore them." 

  
  


Misato blinked. "What's going on Commander, and why are we just supposed to ignore these blips?" 

  
  


"That Major, is simple. Pilot Croft is about to get an abject lesson in humility, those blips are the instrument of that lesson." After watching his lackies nod a few times to themselves Gendo's desk disappeared again. As it sunk back down Ikari grinned. The note from SEELE had been quite informative, and he planned to watch the show. 

  
  
  
  


Back on deck Misato wondered what DJ was going to get as a 'lesson in humility'. Whatever it was she didn't really care, considering that she, and most everyone else, hated DJ's guts. Shinji in particular had a loathing for him that bordered on homicidal. 

  
  


At just that second, DJ ran into the cage and powered up Unit-04. "Unit-04 preparing to launch!" 

  
  


No one even listened. "Whatever" Maya muttered. 

  
  


When he hit the surface DJ spread the DJ Field before him. Inside the plug he grinned, nothing could harm him, not even SEELE's nine Mass-Production Evangelions and their Lances. 

  
  


Back in the midst of one of the GeoFront's forests, a small command vehicle sat, issuing orders to the nine white terrors that were fast closing. In the back of the truck Epyon lounged in a black command chair, clutching a bag of popcorn. This was going to be fun. 

  
  


High above the Nine circled round Unit 04 like massive vultures monitoring their prey. As one they stopped and hung in the air, each holding its copy of the Lancea Longini. Down on the ground DJ smirked. "This outta be easy" he said. "When this is over I'll finally have something to shut that little bitch Ikari up with and the Second will have to love me!" 

  
  


Then the Nine hurled their Lances. 

  
  


DJ grinned, nothing could get past- 

  
  


The blue lances passed through the DJ Field like nothing was there. Two sunk into the shoulders, two into the lower arms, two into the upper legs and two into the lower. The final lance landed so that the prongs pinned Unit-04's neck to the ground. 

  
  


As Croft's pitiful screams filled the deck Shigeru reached over and shut down the link. "God damn brat" he muttered, "can't even take a little pain." Then, he turned back to trying to wrest control of Asia from Makoto. 

  
  


The SEELE technicians were feeling ill. Not because of the fact that the Nine were going to butcher the Evangelion and its pilot, but because of the fact that their boss was enjoying it. Epyon sat in the back laughing like a maniacal person, urging the Nine on. Then after pondering what he was doing he got up and kicked one of the techs out of his seat and took direct control. 

  
  


DJ writhed inside of his plug. He was in so much pain that he couldn't even begin to wonder how the Lances had penetrated his DJ Field. Soon he wouldn't be able to think. 

  
  


The Nine landed and took their places by each Lance. Each grabbing one they lifted Unit 04 high into the air. The lance that had pinned the Evangelion's head was now free, so it needed a place to rest. The MP Eva holding it drove it home right into the area where an Evangelion would have genitals, if it had any. 

  
  


Epyon grinned. "God I LOVE remote control, now for the coup d'grac-

  
  


At that second the tableau in the sky was broken as a massive red flash tore through the sky. The original Lance of Longinus sped back towards Earth, and in the process buried itself in the torso of Unit 04, and with the amount of momentum it had it tore the torso from the rest of the Evangelion, leaving the nine holding the arms and legs. The Lance continued downward, not encumbered by its cargo, and slammed into the ground burying itself to the end of its prongs in the Earth, and consequently splitting Unit 04 asunder. 

  
  


Epyon scratched his head. "Where the hell did THAT come from?" After a few seconds of thought he shrugged."Oh well, doesn't matter anyway, little bitch is dead now anyway." 

  
  


The MP Evas cast back the parts of Unit 04 they had skewered to the lances and flew away, their bloodlust, and that of their keeper now sated. 

  
  


Down in the Evas cages, Shinji lowered his hand from the armored head of Unit 01. "Thank you mother." Turning away the Third Child walked out of the cage whistling. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


The End 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


With the closing credits the curtains rise and reveal an large auditorium filled with people. Out onto the stage walks a very nervous young attendant. "Um..Ok....now you guys can question the author" With that the attendant takes off. For a few seconds there is silence as the audience waits for the author to appear. After a minute they start cat calling. 

  
  


Then a desk rises out of the middle of the stage. Backlit by red light, sits Commander Gendo Ikari. The audience is sat dumb, especially Gendo who sat in the audience next to Fuyutsuki and Rei. In the back Shinji screamed and fainted, believing that his father had cloned himself. Asuka then began to kick him. Before she could cause serious harm the shadow on the stage spoke. "Always wanted to see what that would do to people." The entire audience then face- faulted as they realized that the person on the stage was the author. Standing Epyon strode to a podium at the far left of the stage. "Ok, now then I guess you want to ask me a few questions?" Every hand in the auditorium shot up. Epyon blinked. "A question not about the way I'm dressed." 

  
  


All the hands fell. Then one came back up. "Yes, Mr Aida." 

  
  


Kensuke blinked, how did the guy know who he was? "Ok, umm... what the hell kind of name is Epyon Zero?" 

  
  


With a sigh the author answered. "Ok, I get that one a lot. I happen to be a fan of Gundam Wing. My favorite Mobile Suit is the Gundam Epyon, therefore I took it as my nom deplume." 

  
  


The audience rustled uncomfortably at the mention of Gundam Wing. Then Shinji shot up his hand. 

  
  


"Why are you so mental?" 

  
  


"Now Third Child that is none of your concern, now sit down." Shinji promptly sat back down afraid to anger the person who looked and acted so much like his father. 

  
  
  
  


Epyon looked around for another question. "Yes, you with all of the pimples and the pasty skin." 

  
  


A phlegm ridden voice answered the acknowledgment. "Does this story mean that your going to write more about DJ Croft, the greatest and coolest Eva pilot of all time." The voice was then shouted down as people converged on the person's location with the intention of lynching him. 

  
  


Epyon sighed. "Hey! Hey! Oh screw it." From beneath the podium he took an airhorn and pulled a blast. Everyone froze. 'There to be no lynching here, so Shinji drop the rope" Ikari promptly tried to hide the noose behind his back. "Now as for your question." From within his coat Epyon drew a pistol and shot the man in the head. "Ask a stupid question and look what happens." 

  
  


Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Epyon sat back down at his desk and folded his hands in front of his face. "Leave now." Shinji was the first one out the door. 


End file.
